How lonely I would be...

I want to always remember how special Dagny has been to me during this time in the Navy. She is my buddy. I want to remember how most nights, as tired as I am, I prefer it when she ventures into my bed. I want to remember how much my heart aches when she is away with my parents because of work and I come home to an empty, quiet house. How much she keeps the hole in my heart, from Mark being away, feel full. I want to remember how much fun it has been having one child, a girl, to be girly with and silly with, to dress up, to be sweet and gentle with. To spend 99% of my time solely with her. She is so special to me and I can tell how special I am to her. What we've had is something I will never forget and cherish always. People say they can't imagine doing what we do, how hard it must be, or they don't know how I do it alone. I'll be the first to admit that being away from Mark is hard, but I don't really remember how hard its been to have Dagny on my own. Which means that even during her tough days, it wasn't that hard. All I can think about is how much she made me laugh, or how sweet it is to have her sleeping heavily on my chest at the end of a day. Sure there have been days when wine was necessary by 3pm, but I don't remember why. I just remember how much fun its been to have Dagny, all by myself most days. I want to remember how she says "oh mama" for no reason at all. Or how she still puts both her hands on my cheeks like she did when she was a baby. Or how when something hurts or is sad or scary, mama turns into mommy. How she loves to dance, march, sing, run, yell. But also sit in my lap all morning long talking to me or her animals she's lined up. She is changing before my eyes into a little girl. It is the greatest joy to watch her grow. She is my little walking parrot, repeating everything I say and even stringing little sentences together. I hope so many things for her and her little heart. But I also hope I'll never forget how special this time has been with her. With all of that said, I'm laying here, feeling sweet little kicks in my belly and hoping for my next baby's sake that they're as awesome as Dagny. And to think all I ever wanted was a boy first.

A moment of weakness.

Nights are long since you went away, 

I think about you all through the day, 

My buddy, my buddy, no buddy quite so true.

I Miss your voice, and the touch of your hand,

Just long to know that you understand,

My buddy, my buddy, your buddy misses you

Buddies through all the gay days,

Buddies when something went wrong;

I wait alone through the gray days,

Missing your smile and your song.

I need to talk about Mark. I am truly overcome by sadness these days and my heart hurts. I love him so much and I miss him so much. Its very hard because I am extremely happy for Mark and 100% supportive of what he is doing. I wouldn't change it for anything. I just hate that he is so far away  doing it. And this feeling of separation is really getting to me. I might look back at this post and think I was silly to share it. But hopefully, I'll be reminded of how hard this time was and how much of a rock my husband is.
Feel free to scroll to an older post about Dagny if this is too depressing. Isn't this what writing is for though? I need to get it out. I like the idea that I can look back on this. I like the idea that when I do, I might be with my husband and time will have flown by. I like that maybe after I write this, it will be easier to write my day to days again. If anything, it is a sweet letter to you Mark.

I love you. 

I love your smile. 

I love how you changed my heart. 

I love how you made me realize how special I am. 

I love how kind and pure you are. 

I love how handsome you are. 

I love you as a daddy.

I love how you play peek-a-boo with Dagny on FaceTime.

I love how you love me. 

I love how strong you are. 

I love that you are following your dream and playing professional soccer. 

I love that you are good at it. 

I love that you are patient and faithful through this injury and a frustrating start to a season. 

I love how you are constantly there for me. 

I love how handsome you are. 

I love your (long) hair.
I love how responsible you are.
I love the sound of your voice.

I love how you read the bible to me until I fall asleep. 

I love how you love Jesus and make me love Him more too. 

I miss you. 

I miss the way you smell. 

I miss the way it feels to be close to you. 

I miss feeling your arms wrapped around me. 

I miss the way the house feels with you in it. 

I miss seeing Dagny love on you. 

I miss watching you tell me something serious. 

I miss knowing you're close. 

I miss the way you give me a hard time about the toothpaste.
I miss being indecisive about everything with you.

I miss sharing a bed with you. 

I miss our long talks over drinks and dinner about our future together. 

I miss our naps. 

I miss going to the movies with you. 

I miss cooking in the kitchen and listening to good music with you. 

I miss fighting over who is going to turn out the lights. 

I miss going to sleep next to you and waking up next to you. 

I miss having you here to make me coffee in the morning. 

I miss you doing things around the house that I seem to neglect. 

I miss that feeling of safe when you are around. 

I miss my best friend. 

I miss laughing with you. 

I miss looking at you in person. 

I miss hearing you talk in person.

I miss your hugs.

I can't wait to be with you.

I can't wait till I can stop saying goodbye to you. 

I can't wait till I stop missing you. 

I look forward to the days we live together. 

I can't wait to go to church with you.

I look forward to a time when a night out without you sounds okay. 

I look forward to hanging out with friends and family with you and not alone

I can't wait to have waffle Sundays or taco Tuesdays with you and our family. 

I can't wait till you are there every day with our next babies. 

I can't wait till I can go to every one of your games. 

I can't wait for our kids to see you play. 

I can't wait till the day we find a home together. 

I can't wait for a home to feel like home.

I can't wait to go on dates with you.
I look forward to coffee mornings and wine evenings with you. 

I look forward to this time being behind us. 

I look forward to being able to understand why we are apart.

I look forward to our future together. 

I can't wait to find out how much more I could love you. 

I'm thankful for you Mark. I think you are the most amazing man, husband, and daddy. 

I love you. 

My mom, sister and I are doing a Fruit of the Spirit devotional together. Day 4 was "peace," but I find myself reading it over and over each day. Now that thats out, I will think less about how sad I am and more about the peace God has given me. 

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27

"Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:5-7

Hopeful

I'm going to see Mark soon. Its been a tough couple of months for the both of us. Through this time he has remained strong, patient, and faithful, and I haven't. It is an unspoken fact that our situation is harder when he's not playing. Its harder for me because I don't get a tangible reminder of why we are apart when watching his games. Its harder for him because its frustrating to not be playing and its frustrating we aren't there with him when he is down. I don't want to speak too soon, but I think Mark will be taking the field again. Dags and I are making a quick trip to Dallas to be there for him. I don't know the words to describe how excited my heart is. I do know that I have made it this far because of Mark's faith and hopefulness. 

"And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him-a threefold cord is not quickly broken." 

Ecclesiastes 4:12

And how perfectly does Dagny's book put it into words: 

"But my heart doesn't stay sad. Like springtime after winter, the sun comes out again. My heart grows tall, like a plant reaching toward the sky. This is when my heart is hopeful."

Mumble..

Lately...

Feeling discouraged and missing Mark.
I'm disliking work more and more.
I'm teaching a sweet new Navy Nurse how to be a L&D nurse, so that is making it bearable. It's hard to be unhappy when you are with a pretty, joyful, Jesus loving person all day.
I'm spending the majority of my days off in Dagny's room, on the floor.
I'm not cooking. I feel very uninspired in the food realm.
I'm letting my house get too cluttered with folded laundry and toy piles.
Too much time is going in between vacuuming for a crawling baby and my shedding hair.
I'm drinking a lot of coffee. Way more than usual. Or maybe it's that I'm getting a fresh cup more often.
I've been anxiously waiting for Mark to get his starting spot back. He's way better than the other guy, and the games aren't as fun to watch.
But I'm practicing patience at the same time.
Drinking wine and eating bread.
I'm going to bed before I clean the kitchen.
I've never been so inlove with Dagny.
I'm not reading anything but want to be reading everything.
Except when Mark reads the Bible at night before we go to bed. I seem to always fall asleep a few words in, so in the morning I've been catching up.
I've been envious of Mark's life in Toronto. He's going to fashion shows and player Galas, riding bicycles and trying new restaurants. Hanging with players and their wives.
I have been bitter about Dagny going to a nanny and even though everything is fine there, I seem to think it's terrible.
I've bought some pretty new things like art and a blanket and new sun hats for the two of us.
I'm hoping the weather stays like this all summer but that's silly.
Listening to Puccini.
I don't really know what to blog about besides Dagny.

"Sweetheart Come"

In honor of Valentine's Day I wanted to share a tragic love letter my sister Mary Kate sent me.

In 1909, there was a wife and mother of two that was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Her name was Emma. When her illness was presumed terminal, she was sent away to Wiesloch asylum where she stayed until her death 11 years later. The eerie part of this story is that her husband's name was Mark. After her death, a collection of unsent love letters was found. Most were illegible with her repetitive and overlapping script, but what can be made out is this:

 "Herzensschatzi komm" and "komm komm komm." 

"Sweetheart come. Come, come, come."

For eleven years she wrote and waited for her sweetheart. These are much more extreme circumstances than our Mark and Emma love story. However, I can imagine how sad and lonely she felt.

Happy Valentines Day. I'm so thankful for my sweetheart and Valentine. Even though we are apart, he has already made me feel so loved today.





 



 

A love letter from Mark to Dagny was delivered to work with flowers today. 

"To my beautiful baby girl! Dagny you are perfect and will grow up to change the world! I can't wait to hold you and see you smile. Love, Daddy."

I pray one day she finds a husband as wonderful as mine. Good luck boys. 

How To Survive the First Night

Mark left yesterday and just like that a new season begins. I'm thankful for the time we had together. He got to be with Dagny most of the first 5 months! He is a really good daddy and a really sweett husband. It was a  sad goodbye. My heart breaks that I don't get to have him at my side at the end of the day every day. My heart breaks even more for how much he will miss Dagny. As sad and sick as I was yesterday, it is pretty hard to cry when your baby is smiling at you. It is really easy to cry when she starts crying.

Two things you need to survive the first night he's away. Because I think it's the hardest night. It feels like the first of an eternity of lonely nights.

Oreos and wine for dinner. I had a lot more than two Oreos. And a sweet smiley baby that has no perception of time. 

I know Dags and I will be okay. 

"Why should my heart be lonely"

It is our last week with Mark. He moves back to Toronto on Monday for the rest of the year. I don't really have any words to describe what I'm feeling. My heart doesn't seem to handle even the thought of him leaving already. So to these last days with him I'm clinging, and to this hymn. I can't read it  all the way through without breaking down because of how true these words are to my heart. 

Why should I be discouraged and why should the shadows fall?
Why should my heart be lonely and long for heaven and home?
When Jesus is my portion, my constant Friend is He, 
His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me.
His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me.

I sing because I'm happy; 

I sing because I'm free; 

His eye is on the sparrow

And I know He watches me.

Let not your heart be troubled; these tender words I hear; 

And resting on his goodness I lose my doubts and fears; 

For by the path He leadeth but one step I may see; 

His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me.

His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me.

I sing because I'm happy; 

I sing because I'm free; 

His eye is on the sparrow

And I know He watches me.

Whenever I am tempted; whenever clouds arise; 

When songs give place to sighing; when hope within me dies; 

I draw the closer to Him; from care He sets me free; 

His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me.

His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me.

I sing because I'm happy; 

I sing because I'm free; 

His eye is on the sparrow

And I know He watches me.

A story about this hymn:

"Mrs. Doolittle had been bedridden for nigh twenty years. Her husband was an incurable cripple who had to propel himself to and from his business in a wheel chair. Despite their afflictions, they lived happy Christian lives, bringing inspiration and comfort to all who knew them. One day while we were visiting with the Doolittles, my husband commented on their bright hopefulness and asked them for the secret of it. Mrs. Doolittle's reply was simple: "His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me." The beauty of this simple expression of boundless faith gripped the hearts and fired the imagination of Dr. Martin and me. The hymn "His Eye Is on the Sparrow" was the outcome of that experience."

Mark and I have had a few conversations about his upcoming departure and how I am going to survive without him here. His responses and prayers are perfect examples of the hopefulness and boundless faith described here. 

Mark...

“She sat listening to the music. It was a symphony of triumph. The notes flowed up, they spoke of rising and they were the rising itself, they were the essence and the form of upward motion, they seemed to embody every human act and thought that had ascent as its motive. It was a sunburst of sound, breaking out of hiding and spreading open. It had the freedom of release and the tension of purpose. It swept space clean, and left nothing but the joy of an unobstructed effort. Only a faint echo within the sounds spoke of that from which the music had escaped, but spoke in laughing astonishment at the discovery that there was no ugliness or pain, and there never had to be. It was the song of an immense deliverance.” 

There are three things I admire most in this world. Beautiful music, beautiful art, and my beautiful husband. 

Two Years

November 24th

Monday is our two year anniversary! Two years with the most wonderful husband. Some say we are still in the honeymoon phase because of how little we've lived together. It's probably true. There is the exciting feeling of new when we get to be together, but also the wonderful feeling of an old love, as if we've been married for eternity. Mark was a fun friend, the most trusting boyfriend, and kindest fiancé. Every day he is a better husband. 

When we were engaged, I was going off to Navy training. We didn't think I would be able to have my phone for 5 weeks so we decided it would be fun to write love letters to each other. Turns out I could use my phone after a couple days if I was sneaky, but we were committed. I pulled out the letters the other day and couldn't believe how awesome they are. We were so sweet. 

On our wedding day Mark had one of his groomsmen bring me a bouquet of roses. With them was the sweetest note.  I'm overwhelmed with how true my husband's words have been and how much he continues to love me. 

Cheers! To two years and what's still to come! 

Husband

To love is to value.

She thought: to find a feeling that would hold, as their sum, as their final expression, the purpose of all the things she loved on earth....To find a consciousness like her own, who would be the meaning of her world, as she would be of his....A man who existed only in her knowledge of her capacity for an emotion she had never felt, but would have given her life to experience.

Woe, is me...

With Mark living in another country most of the year, there are certain things I've come to rely on to get me through each day. I praise God for the brain he gave the person that created FaceTime. On my days off and Mark's afternoons, we spend a lot of time FaceTiming. Sundays and Mondays are usually our best days. Hours will go by on FaceTime. We aren't necessarily even talking the entire time. I carry Mark all around the house while I'm getting stuff done or cooking. Sometimes we'll be FaceTiming while he's on the phone with one of his buddies or we're watching movies. Lately, it's me showing him new tiny outfits for our baby, or my growing belly. I'll even try and show him her rolling around in my belly, but that's more difficult and is usually missed. My favourite is when we FaceTime going to sleep and then wake up FaceTiming. We both make breakfast and coffee and sit and chat together. It can be sad when you think about our life together these months on an iPad, but I am thankful. We are one, so really he's here with me every day even without the iPad. Without the iPads or phones we'd probably send love letters to each other every day. That would be romantic, but I am happy with these modern days.

Another thing I rely on to make this season go by, is watching Mark play. This was the point of my post in the first place. Every week, sometimes twice a week, I get to watch my husband play soccer on TV. I'm so proud of him and all that he does. This is one of my proudest moments each week. He starts every game, and plays every minute. It's why we are apart, and getting to see him play makes it worth it. Wednesday night, Mark went down with an injury. Seeing him get taken out by another player made me sick. I had to go hours without hearing from him. I read tweets about his speculated injury from the media and coach before I heard from Mark. "Bloom with an MCL tear...it's not looking good" was my least favourite. Obviously, my dramatic mind thinks the worst..thoughts of his season being over, someone else being brought in as a right back. It's a ruthless business. You miss one game and the guy that plays, plays well, can take your spot. Mark, the amazing and faithful man he is sent me a text that said "I'm okay my love, don't you worry. I'll call you when I can ok?" I'd like to say I am more distraught about this injury than Mark is. I probably am, but that's why Mark is so awesome. He rejoices in the Lord always...He doesn't worry or stress about anything. I know he is frustrated about being held back by an injury, but he doesn't dwell on it. He has already moved on and is focussing on getting healthy. I, on the other hand, am secretly plotting the death of the player that took him out. Mark now has to take 4-6 weeks off with this MCL injury. Unfortunately for me, this means 4-6 weeks of games that I don't get to watch him play in. My weekly ritual I rely on to get me through this soccer season is gone. Woe, is me.

You can watch the take out here. It's the second GIF.

An article on how unfortunate it is to the team that Mark is injured. TFC defender Bloom out 4-to-6 weeks

Some other fun things to watch of Mark are here and here.

If you missed this from the Meet Mr. Bloom post, it's a good watch as well.