How lonely I would be...

I want to always remember how special Dagny has been to me during this time in the Navy. She is my buddy. I want to remember how most nights, as tired as I am, I prefer it when she ventures into my bed. I want to remember how much my heart aches when she is away with my parents because of work and I come home to an empty, quiet house. How much she keeps the hole in my heart, from Mark being away, feel full. I want to remember how much fun it has been having one child, a girl, to be girly with and silly with, to dress up, to be sweet and gentle with. To spend 99% of my time solely with her. She is so special to me and I can tell how special I am to her. What we've had is something I will never forget and cherish always. People say they can't imagine doing what we do, how hard it must be, or they don't know how I do it alone. I'll be the first to admit that being away from Mark is hard, but I don't really remember how hard its been to have Dagny on my own. Which means that even during her tough days, it wasn't that hard. All I can think about is how much she made me laugh, or how sweet it is to have her sleeping heavily on my chest at the end of a day. Sure there have been days when wine was necessary by 3pm, but I don't remember why. I just remember how much fun its been to have Dagny, all by myself most days. I want to remember how she says "oh mama" for no reason at all. Or how she still puts both her hands on my cheeks like she did when she was a baby. Or how when something hurts or is sad or scary, mama turns into mommy. How she loves to dance, march, sing, run, yell. But also sit in my lap all morning long talking to me or her animals she's lined up. She is changing before my eyes into a little girl. It is the greatest joy to watch her grow. She is my little walking parrot, repeating everything I say and even stringing little sentences together. I hope so many things for her and her little heart. But I also hope I'll never forget how special this time has been with her. With all of that said, I'm laying here, feeling sweet little kicks in my belly and hoping for my next baby's sake that they're as awesome as Dagny. And to think all I ever wanted was a boy first.